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Platonic Relationships
Why They Don't Work After a Break-Up
byJanice D. Bennett, Ph.D
Relationships
with the opposite sex can be extremely complicated, especially
after a break-up. Can singles be “just friends” with someone they
used to date? Here's why I say the answer to that question is
"no."
Q. I just broke up with a guy I had been dating for nine months.
We got along well on many levels, but realized that we couldn’t
be “life partners.” So much of the relationship was good, but
the arguing made it bad. While I’m willing to give up the sex
and the hope for a future together, I don’t want to give up our
friendship. We enjoy many of the same things and I would miss
sharing them with him. Can't we be “just friends” while I search
for the guy who will be “Mr. Right?” Allyson ,
Allyson, maintaining a platonic relationship with someone you
used to date is frequently the source of confusion and frustration.
So much of your energy had been invested in this person, which
makes severing only some of it very tricky. But if you really
want to create a life partner relationship with someone who meets
all of your needs, then I suggest it is best NOT to be friends
with your “ex.”
Trying to maintain a friendship with someone with whom you had
been physically intimate is especially challenging. That’s because
sex is like “superglue” – it’s easy to get stuck, but extremely
difficult to get unstuck. Couples who had expressed their physical
feelings with one another can easily succumb again to the emotional
triggers that initially sparked the intimacy.
When a man and a woman, each considering the other as a potential
life partner, spend a lot of time together, it’s natural that
they would become emotionally attached. After a break-up, a person
usually goes through a sort of grieving and mourning process.
This is because when you’re dating someone, and doing so with
the serious intention of seeing if s/he is going to be your life
partner, you have hopes and dreams that it'll all work out. When
reality tells you (and you’re actually willing to listen to reality!)
that the two of you are not compatible, and should not continue
being together, it can feel like a “death.” But it's not
the death of the person that you have to adjust to, it’s the death
of your hopes and dreams. And just like with the death
of a person, the challenge before you is to re-orient yourself
in the world without this person in your life, and get back into
the game to find someone more suitable.
I suggest that you sever yourself from this failed relationship
completely. Doing so will free up all of your energies – emotional,
physical and intellectual – and allow you to explore a new relationship’s
potential. Avoiding a “friendship” with your ex will prevent him
(and your residual feelings for him) from distracting you from
attaining your goal of attaining as gratifying relationship with
the right person.
© Copyright 2005 Janice D. Bennett, Ph.D.
About The Author
Practicing as a psychologist for over 20 years, Janice has treated
many singles looking to get married, but who had become depressed
and demoralized by the dating process. She now uses her skills
and experience to help healthy singles overcome the obstacles
preventing them from attaining the relationships and lives they
really want.
Janice has been quoted in Cosmopolitan Magazine, gives dating
advice on
http://www.JMatch.com
and other websites for singles, has a free e-newsletter and gives
teleclasses, lectures and workshops. Check out her "Get Your Love
Right!" blog, read other dating-related Q's&A's and articles,
and sign up for a complimentary 40 minute telephone coaching session
by visiting her website at
http://www.DoctorLoveCoach.com
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